My Dream (Dinner) Menu

Over the last few years, I’ve been listening to a podcast called Off Menu where two foodie comedians chat to celebs about their dream menus. I’ve given it a lot of thought, many times, and finally pulled my dream (dinner) menu together.

I think.

The courses are: water, bread or poppadums (they’re English lads), starter, main course + sides, drinks and dessert. Oh, Ed Gamble is the head of this magical restaurant and James Acaster is a genie waiter who can conjure anything from any time or place.

I may have hacked the format a teeny tiny little bit – but the hosts have done that themselves.

This would be served over several leisurely hours, Carol Vorderman style. I just hope I won’t be kicked out of the restaurant for picking the secret ingredient…

Water: L&P, cinema frozen Coke (the first syrupy third)

Bread: A Basket consisting of Adam Handling’s terracotta bread w/ chicken butter, olive bread from the Landmark hotel and Bluebird chicken chips & dip.

Starter: Heston’s Meat Fruit @ the Mandarin Oriental Hotel.

Honourable muncheons: Dishoom cheese Naan, hot cocktail sausages with ketchup, A Wong’s dim sum menu selection, Hutong lobster bao, salt & pepper calamari from Riding House Cafe, baba ganoush.

Mains: My Dad’s Bacon & Egg pie.

Honourable muncheons: Roti Canai from my uni days in Wellington, Marco Pierre White’s rib eye (St James), lockdown massaman curry, my Dan Dan noodles.

Sides: Creamed spinach, Aussie KFC chicken salt chips (skin on) & maple butter root veges from Waitrose.

Drink: A couple of Rum lemon lime & bitters from Grenada and Brambles.

Cheese Course: Baron Bigod, 18m Comte in a mini-toasted sandwich with burger sauce, Christmas apricot Wensleydale, truffled brie, nose of plain Brie plus Ritz crackers & a quince paste.

Dessert: Pudding tapas (all mini) – Lolly Cake, an Ernest Adams Ginger Kiss, my Nana’s hot fresh buttered pikelets, the Ritz’s blackcurrant soufflé, mini-tipsy cake by Heston, a Biscoff Krispy Kreme, A Wong’s steamed duck yolk custard bun, a Jelly Tip. (Tokaji wine to finish)

Honourable muncheons: New York cheesecake from Juniors, rum & raisin ice cream from Applebys in Lincolnshire, Wasabi Kitkats from Japan, strawberry cheesecake Dorayaki, Russian fudge from my teenage years.

Petit Fours (served to my hotel suite to be eaten in the jacuzzi bath, where my little cat is also hanging out): Jaffa Slice, Ginger Crunch Slice and Arnott’s Mint Slice, with Nippy’s iced coffee (with no late night caffeine effects).

Hangover Next Day Snack: Szechuan cheese Vada Pav.

What a meal that would be, oh my. I’ve shared my most memorable meals before, and they hugely influenced this list.

The Off Menu hosts are very funny, and only serious about delicious food (though they get a little into the loo humour at times if you’re not into that.) My favourite episodes include Rylan Clark, Munya Chawawa, Sue Perkins, Greg Davies and Kathy Burke with honourable mentions to Daisy May Cooper & Richard E. Grant.